Not Proud Of Myself For Yesterday's Effort

Yesterday was lesson day. My daughter is doing the Kokoda challenge this year and yesterday was a training day at the Nerang State forest. 13.5k of beautiful scenery? With some exercise thrown in? Sounds like a job for JenDoesFitness! So I got myself a bag of sultanas, a camel pack of water and excitedly set off with the crew.

As we took off I said to one of the teachers, "well this is quite a pace, where's the warm up?"

She gave me an incredulous look and replied "this is the warm up". Oops. Two minutes later she yelled "pick up the pace people" and they took off! I was already walking as fast I could dammit.

20 minutes in we were heading up a steep hill and I realised I was about to drop my iPhone which I'd brought along to take photos. I also really needed to fart but couldn't tell if I would crap my pants if I did so I held it in. Every time I hit a hill I thought I might sully my pants which was the only thing I panicked about. My body literally didn't have the energy to hold it in and climb the hill at the same time. Or so I thought. It obviously did because I managed to not poo for the entire walk.

The scenergy was gorgeous! Can you see the Goanna?

After around 40 minutes I had dropped right back. An hour and a half in I rounded a corner to see some teachers and parents waiting for me to see if I was ok. "Yep I'll catch you on the downhill section" I replied. It was around this time that I got cold. From this point on I'd go from feeling very hot to very cold seemingly for no reason. No idea why, but my body seemed to lose the ability to regulate it's own temperature. That was a little scary and when I really started to switch off from the emotional side of things.

I couldn't believe how unfit I was. I wasn't embarrassed or mortified, I was completely disassociated which was wonderful! The only emotion I felt was a determination to keep going because I thought we were doing a circuit and that if I didn't catch up they'd worry and come look for me. I had no choice but to go forward. 

They took off again and I attempted to have a drink of water from the pack. To my horror I couldn't open the camel pack. My fingers had swollen to such an extent that I couldn't feel them and I couldn't get the muscles to work properly. I was thirsty! I dug deeper and pushed harder to catch up to the others and I did catch up to them but by the time I did the swelling had subsided and I was able to open it on my own.

The hills were incredible! Not only that but the terrain was as rough as guts with many of the rocks on the track being anything from tennis ball to head size so I was putting a lot of mental energy into not tripping as I didn't want to be carried out either. I'd see what I thought was the end of the hill and think there would be relief and then... it would have just gone around a corner. Ripped Off! Challenge accepted! So I'd dig deeper and keep going.

Two hours in was when I found out it wasn't a circuit. We turned around and went back! So I could have turned back earlier. Darn! I called on all of my inner resources, asked for support from God (I'm no Christian but do believe that there's a higher power who is magnificent!) and I had the thought that "If I can get through that depression, when so many don't, then I can do anything. So long as I get my mind to get my legs moving, I can keep going" and I felt a surge of pure joy! It was wonderful to recognise that I'm free of that dark space.

One of the students became ill on the way back thank goodness the poor thing. But this meant that he had company all the way back and a reason to keep stopping. He was swaying and thirsty so I let him drink from my camel pack. He then threw up and drank from the pack again so I let him have the rest of the water. We were only 40 mins from the finish anyhoo. BIG MISTAKE!

I made it back to the car park and didn't even have the energy to stretch. I got some water right away, and came home. I was so dehydrated that when I tried to drink I was nearly sick. After dry reaching and some diarrhea I contacted a friend who said "go directly to hospital, do NOT fuck about with this, you could have a stroke or even a heart attack". Mr JDF called the hospital and a few other people and ended up getting me some hydration salts instead. They helped and I was able to hold down water, and eventually food which was nice.

This morning I woke with a pounding headache and feeling very stiff at the front of my hips (hip flexors?), but I can hold down food and water which is good. I also did a big wee on rising which is good even if it was dark yellow.

I went to the markets this morning, walking like I had severe arthritis in my hips, and lo and behold, nearly threw up there. I'm so darned exhausted! My body is screaming for rest so I thought I'll just get this out and go to bed.

Mr JDF has been wonderful getting me salts, offering to miss archery this morning so he could do the shopping for me, looking after the entire household last night. I'm glad I'm not a single parent. I don't know how they do it... really I don't.

The moral of the story for me, know my limits. I should have said right from the start "I can't keep up this pace for 13.5kms and just gone and watched a movie". If not right at the start then further in. I should have gone to the hospital. I'm not sure why we didn't. But I know if I'd gone on a drip I'd have been rehydrated a lot quicker and with a lot less pain.

I'm not proud of my efforts yesterday. While I finished the session, I wiped myself out for the whole weekend. I can't walk properly because the muscles at the front of my hips are incredibly painful, I still feel nauseous if I'm even gently active, and I nearly ended up in hospital.

Exercise needs to be fun. Difficult, yes, challenging, yes. But you should feel good when you stop. Like you've done something good for yourself. I don't feel like that. I feel weakened, sick and a little frightened. Emotionally I'm shot because I put so much mental effort into just going.

I'm choosing to do this loooooong post because I really want to remember how hard it was. I don't want my memory to change things for me and make it "not that bad". It was that bad dammit. I nearly crapped my pants! I couldnt' carry my phone in my hand or get to my water. Crazy!

Anyhoo... I'll be making efforts, once most of this soreness has gone to get back into my walking. Not sure when or how I'll fit it in, but it needs to happen.

That's enough!

Early morning workout done... Boo Yeah!

This morning I was up early thanks to a realistic dream I had last night that had me awake in tears. I had to probe my psych carefully to check that I was not depressed and nope I wasn't, I was grieving the loss of a dear friend of mine who took his own life almost a year ago. So gave myself some time to think of him and how wonderful he was (I hadn't seen him in 20 years which goes to show that love never dies) and then leapt out of bed to get on with my day.

Here's my workout for ye:

All up this took around 15 minutes and I was a nice hot sweaty mess when I was done. Nice! I'm going to increase the amount of time I spend on the floor to 50 seconds rather than 30 and insert time to get from my rebounder to my floor mats too. It takes around 7 seconds to get from the rebounder and into position for side planking so I'll add that in there. I think my next post will be about apps I use!

The exercise really helped me focus on being here and alive, and while I'm still sad for my friend, I'm glad to be here with my blood pumping. Good stuff! xx

Fitness Is Just Not My Passion...

First of all let me tell you this, I'm sooooo not into fitness. It's just not something I'm passionate about. I'd rather read a book. Or fry my face. To me exercise is strongly related to pain, to people treating you me (I must own this!) with disdain, and to feeling like a failure. BUT I do mentally recognise that these beliefs/feelings that I associate with exercise are decades old and no longer apply and are there to be overcome.

My recent experience has been that exercise equals strength gain, better sleep and support, perhaps even admiration from my peers. Probably because I exercise alone. So strong is my fear of exercise that if I am working out and my husband comes in the room, I cannot continue. I stop then and there. I know it's silly, and I think it stings him a bit, but I just can't push forward with that at the moment. Just because it's not my passion now doesn't meant that it won't become something I enjoy doing if I make sure I feel good at the end of every workout.

I'm doing pretty well. I've been slow on the blog which has more to do with having one computer at home now instead of three with two children needing it for homework. But I am working out.

Convict Conditioning is going great guns. I've been doing the workouts twice per week and have noticed a big difference in my recovery. The first time I did a CC workout I was a mess for days. Now I do one and the next day my legs feel a little weak, and day two I'm fine again. Woo hoo!

I can see a difference in my body. In particular my lower legs and abdomen. I can feel the muscles are bigger in my upper arms. I like it!

Apart from the CC workouts, I've just been gently rebounding. Very little cardio. I'm feeling exhausted again, which leads to depression if I'm not careful and when I do a cardio workout I feel like crap afterwards. After either gentle rebounding, or CC workout, I feel good. Happy with myself and calm. I'm listening to that because in the past I haven't and the results have cost me thousands in therapy!

Anyhoo... it's Sunday. I'm going to make a big green juice, and kick back and watch about 6 Clint Eastwood movies if I don't nap!

Have a great day all. <3